Totally Blah.....

I really don't have much to write today, well, not even much, I have nothing of significance to write, and I really don't feel like it, but they say that when you don't feel like doing something, that is EXACTLY the time when you should push through that barrier. Well, I'm pushing. So anyway, today has been a huge blah day. I've been tired the past two days and today has been extremely hard. I don't know if I'm not sleeping well or what, but it's been really effecting my mood. Because of this, I've pretty much stayed to myself since I've been crabby. I dunno, I'm taking a higher med dose, which worked really well for the first four days, but then it stopped working for sleep. This is what I don't get though, they say that it takes six weeks before I see any real effects from the meds, but if I were to stop taking it now, I think I'm on week three now, I would be at the mercy of side effects, first off, how is that fair, I get no rewards but all the pain? Second, am I supposed to be feeling anything at all? What happens on week 6, does it do this miraculous thing, like I see fairy lights and pink unicorns, and all is flowery and grand? Whatever. I think it's all a load of hosh posh. I figure I should be feeling something. But when I go back to the doc and say hey, I need something for sleep, is he going to say that I have to wait the whole 6 weeks? Let me tell you, at first the vivid dreams side effects were pretty cool. I couldn't tell if i was awake or asleep for a few minutes. Had a dream about vicks rub and tootsie rolls at one time, ask me about that later. But at least I had those dreams for the first full week or so, but now even they are starting to wear off and I'm being left with waking up just as tired as I was when i went to bed, and laying in bed trying to sleep for like, forever. Seriously, I take these meds at around 9 or 10ish and expect to start getting groggy 30 minutes to an hour. Nope, I lay there in bed, reading or playing subway surfer until 1 or 2, in which case I have had enough so I turn off the phone and lay there for, well, I dunno, I can't see the time. The clock is off and I turn my phone upside down so the charging light doesn't bother us. But i lay there for what seems like another hour, but to be fair it could be five minutes. But I have tried not playing on my phone at all and all I do is lay there, singing that chorus Counting flowers on the wall, that don't bother me at all........if you know it sing along, HEY smokin cigarettes and watchin Captain Kangaroo.......you get the gist. Life is like a box of chocolates.....I wonder if Forrest Gump had PTSD. Never said but I figure he must have, trying to save Bubba and all. But I digress....my point is, this crap sucks and I want my normal life back, but that will never happen, so I get to be one of the ones who sit around complaining about my problems and how life dealt me a bad hand. How did i get this low? Yes, I know, I joined the Army and I myself have said that I knew what I was getting into, but to be honest, I never signed up for THIS. Neither did thousands of other guys and gals like me. Sorry, I'm whining. It just sucks. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.....well, there was that lady in the Best Buy parking lot that took my spot and almost made me pull out my PTSD card in the court of law. Your honor, she had it coming, she stole my parking place and I just snapped. TOWANDA! (for those of you who have seen Fried Green Tomatoes. If you haven't, get it.) Well boys and girls, it is time for me to go off to lala land. Who knows, maybe I'll fall asleep quickly this time, I took my meds about 30 minutes ago. And maybe I'll be graced with some vivid dreams. At least the wait will be worth it. BTW, thanks for everyone who reads my blogs. I don't blog for you, I blog for me, but I blog BECAUSE of you, the people like me and the people like my wife. Makes me feel not so alone with this. Wow, this has been one weird blog.