tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-85275666750760577872024-03-08T14:30:44.144-08:00A course in moralityShanehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06396355597810122439noreply@blogger.comBlogger29125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8527566675076057787.post-43433365002143970662013-05-05T20:36:00.001-07:002013-05-05T20:36:05.553-07:00Back again<p dir=ltr>So I haven't blogged for the past 2 days, for a few reasons. First, I've had nothing to blog about, so it's hard write with nothing in mind. Also, It's slipped my mind. Either way, I haven't blogged. I haven't done a lot of things though, so I'm hoping that this week will be a new beginning. I need to get back to cleaning and writing also. Those things aren't going to get done themselves. So we will see what's going to happen. Let's all cross our fingers. </p>
Shanehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06396355597810122439noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8527566675076057787.post-9431310443784826072013-05-02T20:58:00.001-07:002013-05-02T20:58:27.349-07:00Nothing much<p dir=ltr>I really don't have much to say. It was a pretty good day, nothing spectacular. Just your average day I guess. The wife is still sick and that sucks but I'm pretty sure we'll figure it out sooner or later. Hopefully more sooner than later for her sake. But that's about it.</p>
Shanehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06396355597810122439noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8527566675076057787.post-42021181906902464042013-05-01T21:55:00.001-07:002013-05-01T21:55:03.141-07:00Getting on the ball<p dir=ltr>I wonder why it's so hard for me to get on the ball with certain things. Sometimes I wonder if I give my issues too much credence. I mean, I know they are there and I know that my life has changed dramatically because of it, but I wonder if I don't use it as a crutch at times. Like, if I forget to grab something from the store, It's okay that I forgot, it happens, and with me it happens a lot, but then I don't go back to get that item. I use the excuse of forgetting to not go back. Like I said, I can forgive the forgetfulness, but not the blatant disregard after the fact. Some days I'm all for doing everything right, then others, not so much. We defined integrity as doing what we know is right, even when no one is looking, so here I would have to question my own integrity. Who would know except for me? How do you make sure that you're holding yourself accountable to the most important person that matters, yourself? Accountability is a huge thinh for those like me, because it's the one thing we seem to lose. I think this is because we expect our caregivers to be the responsible ones. We tend to hold then accountable for all of our actions. This we cannot do. I think that most of us are still able to be held accountable for ourselves on some level, and we need to make sure that we are doing it. If not, then we are doing a disservice to ourselves, our caregivers and our families. So we need to get on the ball, we need to become responsible again. Take back a little of what we've lost. It can be done, but only if we want it bad enough.</p>
Shanehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06396355597810122439noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8527566675076057787.post-49489970489297500722013-04-30T21:57:00.001-07:002013-04-30T21:57:59.244-07:00A long day<p dir=ltr>Today has been a long day. Most of it good, some of it not so good. The wifey is finally home, so that's a definite plus, and softball was good as usual, just being on the field and enjoying the weather, but it's what happened since we've been home that has me wondering. Even after everything we just went through, why do we argue so much? I know that every couple has their issues, but it just gets so tiring. It just seems like there is always something to argue about. No matter how hard I try to make it different. It seems like we are just destined to fight, if that is even possible. Maybe it has to do with mt PTSD, or maybe it's just me. I dunno but It's gotten old real quick. I've got to figure something out before it drives the both of us crazy.</p>
Shanehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06396355597810122439noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8527566675076057787.post-36070136134821214012013-04-29T21:34:00.001-07:002013-04-29T21:34:43.343-07:00Nothing to report<p dir=ltr>I'm tired and could probably fall asleep quickly, and just as I get comfy, I realize that I have to get up and take my meds. Such is life. So get up, take meds, lay down and welcome lala land. I do miss my kids though.</p>
Shanehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06396355597810122439noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8527566675076057787.post-30497224065416073242013-04-28T22:08:00.001-07:002013-04-28T22:08:18.402-07:00Late<p dir=ltr>This blog is late since I had a long day and nignt and the time ran away from me. So anyway, I hated leaving my honey alone at the hospital but I'm stuck on my meds so if I don't take them, bad things happen to me. It's just hard for me to see her so helpless and not be able to do anything for her. At least I should be there for her for support,  but I couldn't. So now its off to bed for me. </p>
Shanehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06396355597810122439noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8527566675076057787.post-81154149904913952182013-04-27T21:03:00.001-07:002013-04-27T21:03:34.651-07:00Blah<p dir=ltr>Today was a very blah day. I was really rushed and stressed this morning and took it out on people who didn't deserve it. By the afternoon things had calmed down considerably but I was still stressed because the wife has been in the hospital all day and night. Things are going good now but it was hard for me to let other people handle it and me stay home with the kids, waiting for the satellite man to get here. I was in rescue mode. Things worked out though, thanks to the support of close family.</p>
Shanehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06396355597810122439noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8527566675076057787.post-62525327591597815902013-04-26T20:36:00.001-07:002013-04-26T20:36:28.204-07:00Stepping up<p dir=ltr>As PTSD and TBI victims, we live day by day needing caregivers. Whether we want to admit it or not, some of us would be lost without them. But what happens when your caregiver is the one who needs care? We need to try our hardest to step up to the plate. Is it difficult, I'll be the first one to say yes it is, but it also has to be done. There are still household duties, kids, prrsonal issues and day to day things that need to be taken care of. We would love for our caregivers to be able to continue doing everything they've been doing, but they can't. So it's up to us. </p>
Shanehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06396355597810122439noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8527566675076057787.post-75631169494920722612013-04-25T22:11:00.001-07:002013-04-25T22:11:32.273-07:00How much is enough continued<p dir=ltr>There, now I can continue. Through our parenting classes and just my own perceptions, I wonder how much undo stress we put on our kids. With those of us dealing with PTSD and TBI's, how much of that stress is doubled? It woukd be foolish of me to think that my kids don't see that sometimes daddy gets mad over nothing. How do we think that is going to affect them? When it causes problems, how can we punish them? They are definitely a product of their environment. But then, how much leeway do we give them? As I stated, they know there are issues with daddy, and it is in a childs nature to attempt to capitalize on it. Why should they not try? They are living in the "all about them" phase of their lives, so that's their job, that's how they are supposed to act. As parents, we can pick up on these times and adjust fire accordingly, but that doesn't always work with those of us who have to deal with extra challenges. Again, I cannot stress how truly blessed we are to have spouses that are willing to walk through the dark with us and be there to smooth over the rough spots after we get finished causing the turmoil. </p>
Shanehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06396355597810122439noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8527566675076057787.post-20689891805314545932013-04-25T21:59:00.001-07:002013-04-25T21:59:20.939-07:00How much is enough?<p dir=ltr>First off, I barely made this blog in time so I'm gonna cheat real quick.</p>
Shanehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06396355597810122439noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8527566675076057787.post-44284180740068820192013-04-24T21:16:00.001-07:002013-04-24T21:16:49.069-07:00Hmm<p dir=ltr>Tonight I'm not sure what to write about. It was a good day but nothing really jumps out at me. That's not necessarily a bad thing though, since that means that nothing bad happened either. I'm wrapped up in my new book I'm writing, which is coming along quite nicely and that makes me happy. I feel like this is going to be a good one and I hope I'm right because I'm thinking about sending this one off to a publisher. I dunno, I guess we'll see. </p>
Shanehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06396355597810122439noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8527566675076057787.post-28180756061882895722013-04-23T21:05:00.000-07:002013-04-23T21:05:22.193-07:00Summer time is back in gear.Great day today. Another form of therapy that i have found is softball nights, which we have many of in my family. There is something about softball, the people, the companionship, the snack bar food, that brings back a sense of nostalgia, which in turn leads you down the road of better days, carefree days. Yes, this is all fluffy bunny stuff, but it's better than the hulk smash stuff that is usually following me. Which would you rather have? I thought you'd say that, fluffy bunny. I think that sometimes I take for granted the simple things, like a cool breeze blowing off a softball field, a hot dog a box of popcorn, and the cheering of the crowd over a great catch or a home run hit. Win or lose, it's another memory put back to help combat those helpless feelings that we sometimes get. Is this a end all be all for what ails us, of course not, but I think it's a step in the right direction. Maybe it's the feeling that we have that define us, not really our actions. A look can speak volumes they say. That look imparts a feeling in the one on the receiving end of that look. Feelings. So in that same vein, maybe the feeling of a softball field experience is more important than the actual experience. The actual experience only happens once, but the memory and feelings from that experience live on forever. I'd like to think I've touched on something here. If I'm wrong, then so be it, but what harm can come of it? The worse that can happen is the faraway look that you'll get when you get a whiff of that certain scent, and go careening off to softball land. Summertime is finally here, that old ballpark, man, is back in gear out on 49, man I can see the lights. It's a smile, it's a kiss, it's a sip of wine, it's summertime. Thanks KennyShanehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06396355597810122439noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8527566675076057787.post-3674636121575380262013-04-22T20:35:00.001-07:002013-04-22T20:35:42.558-07:00Tired again<p dir=ltr>So this post is going to be very short, but a post nonetheless. I got some stuff done today that I'm very happy about, and I think that is very therapeutic in and of itself. Just having that sense of accomplishment, and the knowledge that I could do it on my own, does a lot for my self esteem and drive. I hope that having those feelings will help to propel me to greater lengths, especially on my down days.</p>
Shanehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06396355597810122439noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8527566675076057787.post-31343980177420692062013-04-21T21:07:00.001-07:002013-04-21T21:07:15.331-07:00Average<p dir=ltr>Really nothing to say tonight. It was just an average day. We got a lot accomplished actually. It feels pretty good to know that you have something to show for your work at the end of the day. I guess that just shows hlw blessed I am. I'm sure some people would love to have just an average day, but because of our problems, those days just seem so few and far between. So if you're one of those that have average days every now and again, cherish them. Sometimes few and far between is all we have.</p>
Shanehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06396355597810122439noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8527566675076057787.post-41597487840567053152013-04-20T21:12:00.001-07:002013-04-20T21:12:02.771-07:00Good day<p dir=ltr>So today was a good day. The evil monster didn't raise its ugly head and everything was quiet on the homefront. Why every day couldnt be like today, I'll never know. Maybe that's just it though. Maybe they aren't meant to be perfect days, or even good days for that matter. I guess if they were, we would end up bored and stagnant, which would only lead to more issues. Funny though, I only say this on days that are good. On those bad days, all I want is to become bored and stagnant. I think that Hamlet said it correctly when he said To be or not to be, because ultimately, that is the question.</p>
Shanehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06396355597810122439noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8527566675076057787.post-28071841759273707922013-04-19T21:26:00.001-07:002013-04-19T21:26:58.288-07:00When is it enough?<p dir=ltr>Here's my rant about the VA....when is it enough? When do we stop fighting? When do we stop trying to get the help we need and deserve? They can put you through the ringer and do some serious damage, all in the name of veterans rights, but I think we are just a number to them. Just another case that passes across their desk, or their review board meeting. They put you through all kinds of testing to make sure that you qualify for their benefits, and sometimes those tests can set someone back days, if not longer, in terms of therapy. Just to have them say Sorry, we don't think that you arr severe enough to warrant our support. I guess they forgot the support that we gave to them. I'm glad I don't work for the VA. I would love to say that I would never think of anyone as a number, but who knows. Between all the red tape and paperwork that it must take to pass paperwork along must be astronomical. It would drive me crazy. Maybe I'd turn out to be just as bad. Maybe I'd get tired of not being able to belp a fellow veteran and fudge a report, ending my career and making it harder on any vet that comes after to get aid. It just drives me crazy to sit here knowing that in my case, as I am sure it is the same in a lot of other cases, all it would be is a simple review of one form. But instead it takes years and paperwork requests that they already have. We are taught to be happy with what we have, so does that mean roll over and give up? No. We put in our time. We have the scars to prove it. So we demand the help and support that we deserve.</p>
Shanehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06396355597810122439noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8527566675076057787.post-82297883177780472512013-04-18T20:59:00.001-07:002013-04-18T20:59:31.553-07:00Perception<p dir=ltr>Perception.  We hear that a lot and I think about it a lot also. In terms of PTSD and TBI, perception can be a killer. Those of us in the family, and I consider every last one of you dealing with this on any level at all my family, we say, and realize, that some wounds aren't visible. Unfortunately,  I believe that those are the hardest to deal with. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that someone with a physical handicap doesn't have a tough road, but in most of those cases, there is something to fight. You know pretty much what to expect. With us, the only thing that we can expect is a rollercoaster, somehow and somewhere. 90% of us have friends and family who either don't know about it or don't understand the extent of it. What about in the workplace? How many bosses and peers know what we keep in our closets. We don't have skeletons, we have whole cemetaries. Why is this? Why do we keep silent? For me, it's easier to keep silent than to answer hundreds of questions or get those looks, like if we say boo the whole place would clear out. I'm afraid that they would call me unstable, and I couldn't dispute their claim, because I am unstable. Even on my meds I still have horrible days. So what can we do about this? Nothing. Only you know what's best for you. Only you know who you can open up to or not. Only you know what the supposed consequences, and there will be, both good and bad, might be. All I can say us weigh your ootions heavily before opening up. Talk to your therapist and your spouse about it. On a side note about talking to your therapist and spouse, yes, you are granted confidentiality in all that is said to your therapist, but I feel that your spouse has a right to know also. They have signed on for the long haul. They are trying to stand by you as best they can, go give them the means to help be keeping them informed. It might not be easy for either of you, but if the roles were reversed, wouldn't you want that same courtesy?</p>
Shanehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06396355597810122439noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8527566675076057787.post-16610097855242947552013-04-17T21:04:00.001-07:002013-04-17T21:04:45.807-07:00Tired<p dir=ltr>So I just wrote this huge post and my phone deleted it. I'm not doing it again. I'm so mad I'm literally seeing spots.</p>
Shanehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06396355597810122439noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8527566675076057787.post-42835770329574424362013-04-16T21:35:00.001-07:002013-04-16T21:35:29.438-07:00Aggravated<p dir=ltr>So I'm aggravated tonight and can't tell you why, I just am, and it really sucks. Today has been a really good day as days usually go, so I have no reason to be grouchy. Maybe because the wifey is leaving? Maybe cause I'm tired, a little hungry? The dogs are getting on my nerves? I dunno. But anyway, good day. Stopped eating Hersheys Kisses cold turkey so maybe the withdrawals from that are killing me too. But I'm hoping to start shedding some weight so I have to. To many sweets. Anyway, off I go. Hopefully tomorrow will find me in a better mood. Plus we get paid tomorrow. That always helps. Lol</p>
Shanehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06396355597810122439noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8527566675076057787.post-14885480078650890982013-04-15T21:43:00.001-07:002013-04-15T21:43:49.055-07:00Another day...<p dir=ltr>Another day has gone by, but this one has actually been pretty decent, besides not being able to sleep for like, ever, last night. Made me tired and a bit of a grouch the first part of the morning but the day got better. Well, except for my daughter being sick. But such is life I guess, as long as she doesn't give it to me again. Then its no fair. Last time she got me sick, I ended up with the flu and they just got sick. Plus, the nurse says Yep, you've got flu strain B, but since you waited this long to come in, we can't do anything for you. But here's something for the family so THEY don't get it. Sheesh. I guess that's what I'm here for. To catch the sickness bullets. So all in all today, Shane 1-PTSD and TBI 0. My kind of day.</p>
Shanehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06396355597810122439noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8527566675076057787.post-27082590066984829442013-04-14T21:18:00.001-07:002013-04-14T21:18:17.289-07:00End of week<p dir=ltr>So, I've done pretty much nothing today, but I think that was pretty important in and of itself. I needed to recharge myself. I'm feeling standoffish, like I'm holding people at a distance and have been feeling this way since maybe thursday. Not sure why. So I figured today I'd recharge a bit more. We will see how I am tomorrow. I think I do it to myself a little though. I start down that path and don't stop myself, because that's the norm. PTSD related, I dunno. I don't know what's related and what isn't anymore. Sometimes its like one long string of feelings with no break in between. Like a constant whisper in my ear. My ears ring constantly, I have tinnitus, and its kinda like that, always there, whispering, sticking its claws in me. Its aggravating because its nothing that I can fight against physically. I think that's why we lash out at those we love sometimes. We want something tangible to fight against. That's no excuse, there are no excuses, just a supposed hypothesis from my mind to yours. Maybe one day things will get better and that whisper will go away. Maybe pigs will fly too....hmm....if we put them in a plane, does that count?</p>
Shanehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06396355597810122439noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8527566675076057787.post-6560502647241005932013-04-13T21:40:00.001-07:002013-04-13T21:40:02.386-07:00Good day...mostly<p dir=ltr>So today was a good day for the most part, but PTSD and TBI always seems to figure out a way to insert itself into my life. Got off to a great start with Upwards Soccer. My team tied, which to me is just as good as a win. Besides, my kids had a great time and that's what matters anyway. Got to see my parents since dad coaches the 1st and 2nd graders and mom runs the concession stand. My brother helps me coach, Donna takes pictures and one of my kids is on my team. The other just hangs out and has a good time. Then I came home and took a nap, which was great too. Then my little friend shows up in the form memory issues, whichs sets me down depression lane. Its okay though. I bounced back pretty quickly so all was not ruined. One thing I'm glad about is that I've kept up with my blog. I never stick to it this long so I guess I'm doing something right. Too bad you can't smell my shirt btw, it's Gain fresh. Random, I know. </p>
Shanehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06396355597810122439noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8527566675076057787.post-68014163662985777552013-04-12T21:33:00.001-07:002013-04-12T21:33:05.990-07:00Another day<p dir=ltr>Another day and it started out well. Slept in, then quality time with the wife, a wacky dinner and then a movie. Amazing how something can ruin it in the space of a breath and set me off like a rocket. Sometimes I wonder if my buttons are being pushed intentionally. I dunno. I hope not. I'm not in a good place currently so I'm ending this blog early, but I didn't want to go to bed without writing something down.</p>
Shanehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06396355597810122439noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8527566675076057787.post-60070465963800074682013-04-11T19:56:00.001-07:002013-04-11T19:56:24.516-07:00Quality time is therapeuticSo I have come to believe in the power of family and a strong spouse as a ward against all that PTSD means. Scream Free Parenting and sitting in a car for around an hour with the wife, then soccer with the son, which made me smile to see how much he takes to it. After that, family dinner when my brother comes over, which is nowhere near enough, but sometimes life gets in the way, but just the same, something kinda special seems to happen over Tater Tot Casserole. Then playing C.O.D. with the daughter was a blast. Now that the evening has wound down and i sit and reflect on my day, I guess sometimes I forget how blessed I am, when so many others like me are not. I know how bad my days can be, how much worse can someone elses be? I am a firm believer in a level below rock bottom. Be careful of thinking that you can't go down any further. Just when you think you are, I can guarantee you, something can ALWAYS get worse, just like some things can always get better. So today's message is to cherish the little things. Hugs, smiles, kind words, happy dogs, xbox 360, tater tot casserole, family......you know, the small things. But if you think about it, doesn't all those small things add up to something huge? Just sayin.Shanehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06396355597810122439noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8527566675076057787.post-45701688630152793342013-04-10T19:54:00.000-07:002013-04-10T19:54:52.128-07:00Totally Blah.....I really don't have much to write today, well, not even much, I have nothing of significance to write, and I really don't feel like it, but they say that when you don't feel like doing something, that is EXACTLY the time when you should push through that barrier. Well, I'm pushing. So anyway, today has been a huge blah day. I've been tired the past two days and today has been extremely hard. I don't know if I'm not sleeping well or what, but it's been really effecting my mood. Because of this, I've pretty much stayed to myself since I've been crabby. I dunno, I'm taking a higher med dose, which worked really well for the first four days, but then it stopped working for sleep. This is what I don't get though, they say that it takes six weeks before I see any real effects from the meds, but if I were to stop taking it now, I think I'm on week three now, I would be at the mercy of side effects, first off, how is that fair, I get no rewards but all the pain? Second, am I supposed to be feeling anything at all? What happens on week 6, does it do this miraculous thing, like I see fairy lights and pink unicorns, and all is flowery and grand? Whatever. I think it's all a load of hosh posh. I figure I should be feeling something. But when I go back to the doc and say hey, I need something for sleep, is he going to say that I have to wait the whole 6 weeks? Let me tell you, at first the vivid dreams side effects were pretty cool. I couldn't tell if i was awake or asleep for a few minutes. Had a dream about vicks rub and tootsie rolls at one time, ask me about that later. But at least I had those dreams for the first full week or so, but now even they are starting to wear off and I'm being left with waking up just as tired as I was when i went to bed, and laying in bed trying to sleep for like, forever. Seriously, I take these meds at around 9 or 10ish and expect to start getting groggy 30 minutes to an hour. Nope, I lay there in bed, reading or playing subway surfer until 1 or 2, in which case I have had enough so I turn off the phone and lay there for, well, I dunno, I can't see the time. The clock is off and I turn my phone upside down so the charging light doesn't bother us. But i lay there for what seems like another hour, but to be fair it could be five minutes. But I have tried not playing on my phone at all and all I do is lay there, singing that chorus Counting flowers on the wall, that don't bother me at all........if you know it sing along, HEY smokin cigarettes and watchin Captain Kangaroo.......you get the gist. Life is like a box of chocolates.....I wonder if Forrest Gump had PTSD. Never said but I figure he must have, trying to save Bubba and all. But I digress....my point is, this crap sucks and I want my normal life back, but that will never happen, so I get to be one of the ones who sit around complaining about my problems and how life dealt me a bad hand. How did i get this low? Yes, I know, I joined the Army and I myself have said that I knew what I was getting into, but to be honest, I never signed up for THIS. Neither did thousands of other guys and gals like me. Sorry, I'm whining. It just sucks. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.....well, there was that lady in the Best Buy parking lot that took my spot and almost made me pull out my PTSD card in the court of law. Your honor, she had it coming, she stole my parking place and I just snapped. TOWANDA! (for those of you who have seen Fried Green Tomatoes. If you haven't, get it.) Well boys and girls, it is time for me to go off to lala land. Who knows, maybe I'll fall asleep quickly this time, I took my meds about 30 minutes ago. And maybe I'll be graced with some vivid dreams. At least the wait will be worth it. BTW, thanks for everyone who reads my blogs. I don't blog for you, I blog for me, but I blog BECAUSE of you, the people like me and the people like my wife. Makes me feel not so alone with this. Wow, this has been one weird blog.Shanehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06396355597810122439noreply@blogger.com0